Q: What's the best thing about Switzerland? A: Well, the flag is a big plus.

Clones are people two.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

Napoleon may not have designed his coat, but he did have a hand in it.

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house. My neighbor is dead against it.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Shopping centers, you've seen one, you've seen the mall.

My ceiling isn't the best, but it's up there.

I love whiteboards. They're re-markable.

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working. It doesn't make any cents.

I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

I went to a new mechanic. They came highly wreck-a-mended.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

Why can't you run through a campground? You can only ran, because it's past tents.

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his potion pot and his best friend? They're both cauld ron.

What's the best time on a clock? 6:30, hands down.

Please don't make my funeral too early. I'm not really a mourning person.

An atom lost an electron. It really should keep an ion them.

I got fired from the bank. A man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

hat's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.

What does C.S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe? Narnia business.

I put all my cash into an origami business. It folded.

I was worried about being in a long-distance relationship. But so far so good.

I suffer from kleptomania. But I take something for it.

I'm afraid of negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

I quit my job at the donut factory. I was fed up with the hole business.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Why did the monk refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Just found out sticks float. They would.

My boat was cold, I tried to make a fire but it sank. I guess you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I went to that new restaurant, Karma. There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.

Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work.

You can't trust atoms, they make up everything.

I met a criminal with a bounty on his head. That was a weird place to keep paper towels.

A psychic tried to sell me information on my past lives. I hate used karma dealers.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I met my wife on a dating site. We just clicked.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I'm going to try velcro instead of shoe laces. Why knot?

I decided to get rid of my spine. It was holding me back.

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.

No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

Architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

Who designed King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference.

What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? He was given two consecutive sentences.

I recently took a pole and found out 100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed.

I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually it came back to me.

A friend said he didn't understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.

I had a pun about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.

Santa Claus's elves are subordinate clauses.

I'm designing a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out.

A man went to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is stable.

To the guy who invented Zero, thanks for nothing!

There's a new type of broom out. It's sweeping the nation.

I tried to draw a circle, but it was pointless.

Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.

There's a fine line between numerator and denominator.

Velcro… what a rip-off.

I gave away my dead batteries, no charge.

One-fifth of people are just too tense.

After the birth of your child, your role in life will become apparent.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

My kid swallowed some coins, the doctor told me to just wait. No change yet.

My friend's bakery burned down. Now his business is toast.

You should wear glasses while doing math. It improves division.

I'm glad I learned sign language. It's really handy.

Bad gardeners are rough around the hedges.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

This girl thought she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I've never met herbivore.

Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He's all right now.

A cartoonist was found dead. Details are sketchy.

I make apocalypse puns like there's no tomorrow.

I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it faster. It just got more sluggish.

Life as a professional yo-yoer has its ups and downs.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers. But I didn't 1 2.

I failed my Braille class. It's a touchy subject.

I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

My leaf blower doesn't work, it just sucks.

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

If I put my cream inside a fridge, can I call it ice cream?

If a Cat is on a pillar, does it make it a Caterpillar?

If a mother is small, does that make her minimum?

If I break a stick and throw it up in the air, can I call it a break up?

If a person values his life so much, and he is wearing a socks, does that mean life sucks?

If I put my face beside a scar, does that mean I have a scar face?

If I break up with my girlfriend, does that mean I have two liver?

If I sit to tell a joke where there is light, does that make me a satellite?

If I fight a deadly assassin whose name is John and I beat him up, does that make John Wick?

This fruit lady made me leave her store, she said "Hey, mango".

I made a 1 hour phone call beside my cooking pot, for once, i thought i was teleported.

Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it's reindeer.

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.

Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at!

Can February March? No, but April May.

What was Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Why was Dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

I lost my mood ring and I don't know how to feel about it!

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world!

My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.

Becoming a vegetarian is one big missed steak.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

What do you use to cut a Roman Emperor's hair? Ceasers.

The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.

My sister bet that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

I made a pun about the wind but it blows.

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.

Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

A cross-eyed teacher couldn't control his pupils.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don't worry, though - he woke up!

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.

What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I'm not really a mourning person.

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

German sausage jokes are just the wurst.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.

Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.

How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!