Guns don't kill people. Stupid motherf**kers with guns kill people.
Chris Tucker
A n*@99& so broke these days somebody rob me they just be practicing.
Chris Tucker
Weed is from tha earth. God put this here for me and you. Take advantage man, take advantage!
Chris Tucker
They call you 'Pops',you work in the library and your best friend's a mouse.
Chris Tucker
You aint 180lbs. You weight more than a d*mn car girl.
Chris Tucker
You don't know who you messing with man, I slap people for fun. That's what I do man! You wanna play rough, huh, I kill for fun!
Chris Tucker
I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.
Chris Tucker
I tell people that stand-up's like golf: you gotta do it every day to get it down - or at least three times a week to get it down.
Chris Tucker
I'ma whip your ass! You, me, him! Everybody's ass around here!
Chris Tucker
I've actually tried to give Brett Ratner dance lessons, but he thinks he already knows how to.
Chris Tucker
I'ma beat the puberty outta ya! You ain't gonna see it coming.
Chris Tucker
I am now half Asian. I have learned all the ancient teachings of Buddi.
Chris Tucker
You can't be half black Inspector Lee, there is a height requirement.
Chris Tucker
I don't know what your feedin' him, but he is too damn big!
Chris Tucker
Jackie come to me and says, 'We gonna do a fight scene.' I said 'What?' He says 'We got to do a fight scene in the next scene. I have to teach you.' I say 'How you gonna teach me in three seconds?' What we did, we did the fight scene with our arms connected.
Chris Tucker
IRS officials calling you acting like you owe them the money personally! I don't owe you shit! This is between me and the company!
Chris Tucker
We just got vialated by a nasty, small Frenchman.
Chris Tucker
I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. “Get out of the car, get out of the f**king car!
You stole this car!” I was like, “Damn, maybe I did!”
Chris Rock
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian.
You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
Chris Rock
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.
Chris Rock
Does having a wife and kids change your life? Yes, but only in the best way.
It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.
People without kids know nothing about kids. Jokes about your kids are always better than jokes about your brother's kids.
Married guys know more about women than single guys. Single guys have girlfriends. Girlfriends are always auditioning,
always on their best behavior. Wives are like Supreme Court justices.
They do whatever the f**k they want.
Chris Rock
Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang. “I'm conservative,” “I'm liberal,” “I'm conservative.” Bulls**t. Be a f**king person.
Lis-ten. Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion.
No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I've got some s**t I'm conservative about, I've got some s**t I'm liberal about.
Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal.
Chris Rock
We can't have gay marriage 'cause marriage is sacred, it happens in the church.
Marriage is sacred, it's sacred. No, it's not, not in America, not in a country that watches Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?
and The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and Who Wants to Marry a Midget. Get the f**k outta here.
S**t, Michael Jackson got married, how f**king sacred is that s**t?
Chris Rock
School shootings were invented by blacks… and stolen by the white man.
Chris Rock
You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control.
Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet.
You know why? ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders.Every time someone gets shot,
people will be like, “Damn, he must have did something. He put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass!”
They will say “I would blow your f**king head off…if I could afford it.
I'm gonna get me another job, I'm gonna start saving some money, and then you're dead man.
You better hope I can't get no bullets on layaway!
Chris Rock
Alcohol: Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it.
Kills motherf**kers every single day…Cigarette's the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherf**kers every single day.
Cigarette's so dangerous it kills motherf**kers that don't smoke.
That's how dangerous cigarettes are…People talking out of their necks into a f**king machine like,
“Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes, this s**t is cool.” But it's alright 'cause it's all white.
S**t, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled blacks from Mississippi?
Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports.
Chris Rock
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last.
Bulls**t. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus.
And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
Chris Rock
You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.
Chris Rock
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Chris Rock
People are starving all over the world. What do you mean, “Red meat will kill you”? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat.
If you lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the s**t out of it.
Chris Rock
You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime?
If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems.
Chris Rock
A platonic friend for a woman is like a d*ck in a glass case: “In case of emergency break open glass.”
Chris Rock
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush,” “Dick” and “Colon.” Need I say more?
Chris Rock
Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain?
Because it's hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can't get nobody being you.
You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound.
When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.
Chris Rock
If drugs were legalized, there would be a drug spot in every corner. It wouldn't be a Starbucks. It'd be Weedbucks.
McDonald's? McCokeald's. Krispy Kreme? Kracky Kreme. Krispy Kreme Donuts are so good, if I told you it had crack in it, you would be like,
“I knew it was something in there. These donuts are too good. Got me going there at 4 o'clock in the morning going,
“Come on, man, open up. Let me have at least one donut. I'll do anything. I'll suck your d*ck!” That should be the new slogan.
Krispy Kreme: So good, you'll suck a d*ck.
Chris Rock
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Chris Rock
I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter,
hold onto their mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass,
I can see old ladies on the phone. They've already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong
Chris Rock
My mother was real cheap. Okay, practical. She would never pay a bill on time.
"If they ain't cutting it off, I ain't paying." She would say, "The first bill is a suggestion.
If they really want you to pay it, then they'll come and tap on your window."
Her whole philosphy of life was: if you die owing money, then you've won
Chris Rock
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing
Chris Rock
Ever see a list of the richest black people in the country? Oprah's on there. Cosby. Michael Jordon. Magic Johnson. Tiger Woods. Movie stars. But you can't get past number eight without running across a brother who just hit the Lotto jackpot last week.
Chris Rock
Bush lied to me. They all lied to me. "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth, they're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole f***ing country? S**t. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.
Chris Rock
I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you f***ed up.
Chris Rock
You don't pay taxes. They take taxes
Chris Rock
My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.
Chris Rock
A man is only as faithful as his options
Chris Rock
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
Chris Rock
Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin' the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin' Paula Abdul to judge a singin' contest is like gettin' Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!
Chris Rock
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Chris Rock
Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
Chris Rock
Men want three things in life. Food, sex, and silence. So feed me, f**k me and shut the f**k up!
Chris Rock
They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come
Chris Rock
The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!"
Chris Rock
A bunch of girls say, "You don't need no man to help you raise no child" shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don't mean it's to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don't make it a good fucking idea!
Chris Rock
Black people yelling "racism!" White people yelling "reverse racism!" Chinese people yelling "sideways racism!" And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad their people got it: nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down
Chris Rock
I'm watching the news Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin's bullets no, they wasn't. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday
Chris Rock
My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible.
We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit:
"To the window! To the wall! 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!"
You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls!
From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch.
It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"
Chris Rock
When a woman get pregnant, it's an issue between her and her girlfriends.
When a woman get pregnant, her and her girlfriends form an abortion tribunal, and they vote on the child like it was Survivor.
Then the first girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Child, you should have that baby, that man got some good hair, it's wavy, it's wavy."
Then second girlfriend throws in her two cents: "Girl, why are we even talking about this? Ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next weekend? Get rid of that baby."
And that's how life is decided in America
Chris Rock
God will send you a double date with the perfect couple.
Have you ever made the mistake of going on a double date with the perfect couple?
You're in the middle of your bullshit relationship and you actually sit down with two people that are actually in love.
You can't even eat your food cause you can't believe what the fuck you are witnessing. You got a fork in your hand like,
"Oh shit! He's really listening to what she's got to say! Wow! They really like being around each other! Man, we can't hang with them no more,
they gonna break us up. Can't let these happy motherfuckers fuck up my life!"
Chris Rock
Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room,
been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them � "fuck that bitch,"
"fuck that bitch." Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea,
and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes,
"Oh man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that." If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend,
and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, "I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch's throat to do it."
Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.
Chris Rock
If you wanna get away with murder, shoot him in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket!
Chris Rock
The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers!
Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive!
They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper,
they just take a piss around the body: "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick!"
Chris Rock
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population, and 90% of the Final Four.
Chris Rock
“Ain't no sniper looking for me at no Applebee's.
I'm not at the sniper level in my career. I'm not there yet.”
Kevin Hart
"We sit on the couch and listen for #$7&4.
That's how we watch our kids. Kids do whatever they want when they're with dad."
Kevin Hart
"When I saw my dad get knocked out and I saw my brother get knocked out, it made me feel like, as a family, we're not good at this particular activity."
Kevin Hart
"My baby is weird man...when he get mad, he gets in the oven."
Kevin Hart
"You ever get a bill so high, you try to put it in the light, like it's gonna change?"
Kevin Hart
While roasting Justin Beiber: "You not a gangster Justin… accept that! Orlando Bloom took a swing at you—that's not gangsta Justin,
it's not! He has a perfume called 'Girlfriend'—that's not gangsta, Justin!"
Kevin Hart
First week: I love you baby. Second week: Together forever. And third week: Single.”
Kevin Hart
“If I still cannot hear what you have to say after you have repeated it three times, I will just laugh and hope it was not a question.”
Kevin Hart
“Whoever invented liquor should be shot dead immediately, hangovers are the worst. I swear it feels like a very fat baby is kicking me repeatedly in the head.”
Kevin Hart
“She's happy. She's moved on. I'm happy. I've moved on. I'm happier than she is, though.”
Kevin Hart
“I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.”
Kevin Hart
"I'm so protective of my kids. Me and this boy got into it at Chuck E. Cheese's. It wasn't a fight – it was an altercation."
Kevin Hart
“The day Rick Ross dives into the crowd, is the day we find out who his true fans are.”
Kevin Hart
“Height is a perception...Someone told me the other day, ‘You're a lot smaller than I thought you were.' I was like, ‘Well, that means you're thinking wrong.'”
Kevin Hart
“I had to catch her, and while I caught her [Lady Gaga], I said, ‘I just want you to realize how big my arms are.' ...I didn't let her [fall] down that far because I'm a hero.”
Kevin Hart
“You never know your level of underachieving until you see what overachieving looks like.”
Kevin Hart
"I'm surprised the government's wiretapping programs haven't sent a lot of innocent comedians to Guantanamo: You going to the club? Yeah, I'm gonna kill there. I'll probably bomb.”
Kevin Hart
"I'm a #$7&4 liar. If I'm late, something drastic happened. 'Yo, dude, sorry I'm late. I was on the highway, and this #$7&4 baby started running on the highway. Yeah, I know right, #$7&4's crazy. So I got out of the car and started chasing the baby.'"
Kevin Hart
"It's my mom's funeral. I'm on the right side, I've got the casket....I'm crying, I'm a mess....My dad sees me crying, my dad stood up, punched me in the back of the head. 'Man up. She gone.' I forgot where I was, I threw the casket."
Kevin Hart
"Sometimes you got to take three steps back to know that there's a lot more steps you can still take backward."
Kevin Hart
"There's nothing worse than telling a dumb-ass lie and getting caught telling a dumb-ass lie....
I'm in my car, I'm driving. My boy calls me, I pick up. 'Yo, Kevin, what up?'
Instantly I lie. 'Dude, I can't be on the phone like that. I'm out of the country.
I'm trying not to have a high-ass phone bill.' He said, 'F*ck, ain't that you at
the stop light right there in front of me?'
I'm so oblivious in lying I waved. 'What's up man?'"
Kevin Hart
"Lying ruined my f*cking marriage. That's a lie. I cheated."
Kevin Hart
"Reality doesn't hit you about how bad the single life is until you call your friends to go out,
and on that night, none of your friends are available, because they're out with their women.
'Yo, what up boy? Whatcha trying to do tonight?' 'Oh, man, I ain't doing nothing.
It's cupcake Tuesdays. Me and my lady, we make cupcakes. Red velvet.
I get to lick the bowl and everything.' 'Lick the bowl? Man, get the f*ck off my phone.'
'Hey, don't be mad at me 'cause you ain't got no bowl to lick.'"
Kevin Hart
"You know what, I need to get my lady back. This is what I do.
'Babe, I got an idea to get the spark back in our relationship.
We should both take ecstasy one time....It's going to make us talk, we're going to have sex,
it's going to be the best.' She said fine. She takes the pill.
Her pill gives her all the right reactions. I take the pill.
My pill made me believe that I was a drug dealer....We were talking, she was like,
'Babe, I just want to be happy. I just want the disrespect to stop.'
'Let me tell you something, you're worried about disrespect? What you need to worry about
is how I'm going to deliver this kilo of cocaine to f*cking Pablo....
Where do you think I get all this money from? Jokes?...You think I'm out here making funny money?
F*ck, I'm in the game, I'm out here in the f*cking streets.'"
Kevin Hart
"I threw my daughter a party at my house in the backyard....I had SpongeBob there....
I got mad at SpongeBob because he kept taking his helmet off and was smoking cigarettes
in front of the kids....I was going off....He said, 'I just got out of jail for aggravated
assault.' As soon as I heard jail, this is what I said: 'No, you're not listening.
I'm not saying that you can't smoke. You can smoke. I'm saying just don't blow it in their face.
Just give them a chance to not have cancer....
F*ck, I'll smoke with you. Give me one.'"
Kevin Hart
"There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter....
But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn't get on....
When I saw her she was crying....
I was like, 'It's not your birthday. Today's not about you.'"
Kevin Hart
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Kevin Hart
I finally saw the @charliesheen interview & I must say that the **it was EPIC….I am now on a drug called “Kevin Hart” WINNING LOL
Kevin Hart
I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like ‘Y the hell did I date you?!'
Kevin Hart
Its about to go down.. My mom told me to tell you! To mind your damn motherfu**ing business
***ch, you lil' stupid ***ch , dumb teacher ***ch, 2+2 not knowin' what the fu** it is bich,
cross eyed cryin' down your back fat foot a** ***ch, long titty no nipple havin' a** bich!
An the crazy sh** its my friends in the background OHHHH OHHHH HE SAID SHE AINT ‘ HAVE NO
NIPPLES! I got suspended an an a**whoopin'
when I got home my mom said I told you to say 2 cuss words your said… 76 of em.
Kevin Hart
Yeah! Real nig**s. ALL day! Just me. By myself. On the block. Holdin it down.
Gun in my waist. Straight face. All day. Not a game. In jail. By myself. 1 bed. No pillow case.
1 pillow. Didnt nobody write me. It was early. Woke up. Went back to sleep.
a nap. You ever go night night nig**?
Kevin Hart
What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you “turn up missing”?
Kevin Hart
The only time you should look back in life, is to see how far you have come.
Kevin Hart
So I'm at the office, I tell this guy…Pass me the stapler, but when you pass it,
make sure staples are in it, because if it isn't, I can't staple anything.
Kevin Hart
If you get in a fight and you're with me? Then you just got fu**ed up!
Kevin Hart
Well, ‘aight, check this out, dawg. First of all, you throwin' too many big words at me,
and because I don't understand them, I'm gonna take 'em as disrespect.
Watch your mouth and help me with the sale.
Kevin Hart
One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight.
You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman?
When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges.
That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.
Kevin Hart
I just got punked by a homeless man, he asked me 4 some $ so I gave him $5..this ***ch had the nerve 2 say “WTF am I suppose 2 do with this” I then said “Get sumthin 2 eat” he then said “I don't want 2 eat no fu**ing fast food sh**, that sh** will have me sh***ing on the streets”
Kevin Hart
How do people sh** on themselves when they are sleeping? That's some nasty sh**….like what kinda sick dream were you having that caused that.
Kevin Hart
Now, don't be a negro, be my nig**. Help me out.
Kevin Hart
Wtf is going on? I just caught 2 thugs walking out of justin bieber's new movie “Never Say”……..lmao
Kevin Hart
You like cheese without the corners, in other words you'll never be a slice ***ch!
Kevin Hart
I'm gonna go Jackie Chan on your a**!
Kevin Hart
I dont like to hear women argue….it makes my balls itch.
Kevin Hart
There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mother calling them but they hear that motherfucking ice cream truck
Eddie Murphy
[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn't give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherf**ker, d*ck, pu**y, sn*t and sh**. Good night. Good night. Suck my d*ck. Bye-bye.”
Eddie Murphy
Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. It ain't like the motherfuckers liked that shit.
“I wish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would've come up and say, ‘Ay, yo, n*****,
bale this cotton!' I would say, ‘Suck my dick, massa!'”...
The first dude who got off the boat said that shit.
“Bale that cotton!”
“Fuck you motherfucker!”
[crack of a whip]
The other motherfuckers said, “We'll bale the shit. Just keep that fucking shit away from me.”
Eddie Murphy
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit offended replies "No I don't have a problem with shit sticking to my fur"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good lookin' guy...but ain't the most masculine fellow in the world
Eddie Murphy
There's somethin' about singing, that is the business! You sing, women go crazy! 'Cause Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker...with big-ass lips! Mick Jagger's lips so big, black people be goin', 'He got some big-ass lips! These are big motherfuckin' lips!'
Eddie Murphy
You don't even have to be able to talk. Just sing and get famous. 'Cause James Brown's been singin' 30 years. I don't know what the fuck James is talkin' about!
Eddie Murphy
When I go to events and concerts, there's a lot of people that yell 'Woo!' or 'Yeah!' when they like something. I like to be more specific when I yell things out. I like to, like -- when I'm at a concert I like to yell out things like: 'The way you play your music makes me feel good inside!'
Zach Galifianakis
It's really hard for me to perform tonight, and I'll tell you why -- four years ago to this very date, I decided to take my own life. And I said, 'Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and your manager at work. End the misery.' I don't know how...
Zach Galifianakis
Growing up my dad was like, 'Zach, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.' And he's so right. Take this, for instance: She had a crack-baby vs. she had a crack, baby.
Zach Galifianakis
I'm Greek, and I have sinus problems. And I know why: my body produces feta cheese. It's not really a joke; it's just a fact.
Zach Galifianakis
Now, I'd like to do a few characters, if I can. This first character I've been working on is called The Timid Pimp, and he's on the phone with one of his hookers. Here we go: The Timid Pimp -- 'Um, hi, Amber? Hi, it's Marcus. Yeah, I can hold.'
Zach Galifianakis
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
Zach Galifianakis
Three years ago, my sister was diagnosed with multiple personalities, and there's nothing funny about that. But she phoned me the other day, and my caller ID exploded.
Zach Galifianakis
I failed kindergarden because I couldn't spell my last name.
Zach Galifianakis
When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. I would write about it in my "dairy."
Zach Galifianakis
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
Zach Galifianakis
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
Zach Galifianakis
I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?
Zach Galifianakis
F**king boring! Seriously! Goddamm*t, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! D*mmit, I gotta sell this motherf**ker!
Zach Galifianakis
I call my balls the bush twins.
Zach Galifianakis
This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"
Zach Galifianakis
You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.
Dave Chappelle
If you're Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and your marriage is breaking up - that's an awful thing. But to see that speculation in people, it's gotta sting a little bit.
Dave Chappelle
Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like "He's still here!" Whack! "Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this ni**er broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere."
Dave Chappelle
You'll be walking down the street and you'll see a bunch of black dudes walking, not just any old black dudes, we're talking thugs. And in the group, they got one, or two, sometimes as many as three white guys with them, you ever seen that s**t? Well let me tell you something about those white guys. Those white guys are the most dangerous motherf**kers in them groups. It's true, man. There's no telling what kind of crazy s**t they've done to get them black dudes respect, but I'll tell you they've done some wild s**t.
Dave Chappelle
"Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!"
Dave Chappelle
Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!
Dave Chappelle
Wow. ... That's a good question. ... Is `I don't know' an acceptable answer?
Dave Chappelle
They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "BIT**! I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASHCAN!"
Dave Chappelle
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you
Dave Chappelle
I'm not smoking crack. I'm definitely stressed out.
Dave Chappelle
I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
Dave Chappelle
Just cuz I eat Chicken and Watermelon they think that something's wrong with me.
Let me tell you somethin if you don't like chicken and watermelon, something is wrong with you,
there is something wrong with you! Where are all these people who don't like Chicken and Watermelon? I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is, it's great! I'm waiting for Chicken to approach me to do a commercial nigga,
I'll do it for free Chicken! It's the least I can do.
Dave Chappelle
Like, see, I'd never vote for George Bush Junior, but I don't know anything about his politics.
All I know about that George Bush Junior is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That's right.
Now, listen, we can't have that shit in the White House. That may be fine for a mayor;
but goddammit, not the White House! The stakes are too high.
He'd be sellin' nuclear secrets for 20 or 30 dollars and shit.
Dave Chappelle
Chivalry died when women started readin' the shit in all them magazines.
They got too much advice about men from other women.
And they don't know what the fuck they're talkin' about.
I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover "100 Ways to Please Your Man" by some lady.
Come on, man. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his d*ck,
play with his balls,fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much and he'll be happy!
Dave Chappelle
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
Dave Chappelle
Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this ni**er broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.
Dave Chappelle
No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.
Dave Chappelle
I dont like letting my freinds drive drunk, but i was smokin' a joint i really couldn't say shit to the guy.
Dave Chappelle
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
Dave Chappelle
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed ni**er.
Dave Chappelle
What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!!!!
Dave Chappelle
What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant.
Dave Chappelle
You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'
Bill Burr
You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He's like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know -- the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!
Bill Burr
Rednecks are like America's pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop 'em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, 'Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo -- it'll scare the hell out of them.'
Bill Burr
I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.
Bill Burr
There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio -- I don't know that guy.
Bill Burr
A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That's why nice people are so damn boring. I mean, they're nice, but their stories suck.
Bill Burr
I'll tell you why -- because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay -- that's why I get the dollar more an hour.
Bill Burr
I am so pro-swine flu -- I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.
Bill Burr
Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!
Bill Burr
