Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it's hard without her.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.

"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

I don't have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.

I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

True love lasts forever

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

I heard Sony's coming out with a new console during the pandemic. It's called the Plaguestation 5.

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.

What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.

My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It's a good thing he drives a Civic.

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you're a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!

The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

I like to spend my weekends playing chess with old men in the park. It's not easy. You try finding thirty-two old guys.

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.

Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.

"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

'You the bomb.' 'No, you the bomb.'
A compliment in the US, an argument in the Middle East.

Option 1: Let's eat grandma.
Option 2: Let's eat, grandma.
There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don't be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

Wife: I'm pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad.
Wife: No, you're not

My therapist said time heals all wounds. So I stabbed her.

Jokes about ISIS are all about the execution.

If you think I would joke about Alzheimer's, forget it.

Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

I'll never forget my dad's last words. “Erase my search history, son.”

Doctor: “You'll be at peace soon”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is”

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn't tell me via email.

I just came across my wife's Tinder profile and I'm so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around”.

Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people.

One man's trash is another man's treasure. Lovely saying. Terrible way to find out you're adopted.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.

Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn't a mourning person as at that time.

Priest: “Do you have any last requests?”
Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I'm having an affair with your wife.”

Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Patient: Oh Doctor, I'm starting to forget things.
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
Patient: What condition?

It's sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient. He was a great vet.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

Why can't you get a book on how to commit suicide at a library?
Because you wouldn't bring it back

Shout out to my grandma since that's the only way she can hear you.

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A tearjerker.

What makes sad people jump?
Bridges.

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 metres of a school? Because he's dead

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage

Grandma: Most people your age are married by now, why aren't you?
Me: Most people your age are dead by now, why aren't you?

Sorry, what's the quickest way to get to the hospital?
Just stand in the middle of a busy road.

What's the best part about turning 60?
No more calls from life insurance salesmen.

What's the difference between a baby and a potato. About 140 calories.

What's the special in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees and toes

I had a crush on my teacher, which was confusing, because I was homeschooled.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you.
But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”

Life is like a peepee
It's often hard for no reason

Where did Sharon go during the bombing?
Everywhere

Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it

A child molester and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a drink.

Even people you hate have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
Because they taste funny!

Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.

I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Why did two Asian parents have an Asian baby?
Because two wongs don't make a white

I childproofed my house
Somehow they still got in!

My wife and I have decided we don't want children. The only problem is we already have three.

Wife: “I want another baby”
Husband: “That;s a relief, I also really don't like this one”

“Madam, your son just called me ugly!” “I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it's wrong to judge people on their looks…”

What do you call people who use the rhythm method of contraception? Parents.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.

What do you call a dog with no legs? It don't matter what you call it. It ain't coming.

What do you call it when everyone makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic

What do you call someone who won't stop raving about how the world is going to end? A Hollywood Writer.

Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

My grandparents fought during World War II. They ended up getting a divorce.

My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2 He never talks about it.

What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial? “I was just following odors.”

Proof that we don't understand death is that we give dead people a pillow

Boy: “Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas, please?” Mom: “No, you're getting turkey, like every year!“