A Greek Philosopher named Chrysippus died Laughing at his own jokes

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

Got a PS5 for my little brother. Best trade I've ever done!

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!

When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils…they dilate.

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.

You know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.

I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was dead-lifting.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled…cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a bear!"

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!"

I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

What do you call bears with no ears? B-

What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year.

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A maybe.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

True love lasts forever

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this clean joke.)

What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.

Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I'm still working on it.

Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks!

Why should you never trust stairs?
They're always up to something.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
He got fired.

Why are toilets always so good at poker?
They always get a flush

Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)

My mom entered my room and saw me asleep. She held my head, slapped me and said to me “Your last seen on WhatsApp was 1minute ago, stand up and go buy me bread”

That awkward moment when you help your crush with her assignment and she gets zero. My brother, just forget about any explanation and go your way peacefully.

To those girls who feel too big to reply messages, a time will come that you will be desperate for a husband. That's when a man will ask you “How are you doing?” And you will reply “YES I DO”

When you sit down for an interview and the interviewer greet you by your Facebook name Good day “Miss slay queen hottest bae. My sister just pack your CV and run.

Nothing makes a guy happier than when his girlfriend says “Go and lock the door first…”

No matter how bad you are, you're not useless. You can still be used as a bad example.

The way girls will convince you that you are handsome if you have money, you will stand in front of the mirror and you will be like “Maybe I should go into modelling. My brother don't be deceived, remain where you are.

Girl don't be fooled by men. Not everyone who wears suit is rich, some of them are choirmasters.

I slowly shifted her panty to the side and removed my boxers. This habit of sharing the dry line with ladies is so annoying.

What were you thinking?

My school teacher taught me most of the lies I tell today, she would tell me to write a letter to my uncle abroad as an essay when she knows my uncle is in the village.

Wife tells husband: “Some of your friends think that I`m beautiful!” Husband says: “It`s Jack, right?” She replies: “How do you know?” He replies: “Leftovers are his thing!”

Wife: “I wish I was a newspaper so I could be in your hands all day”
Husband: “I also wish you were a newspaper so I could have a new one everyday.”

A boy asked his dad - “Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential, the dad replied- “You are my son, I am confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son but that is confidential”

Someone asked an old man- “Sir, even after 70 years of age, you still call your wife honey, darling, sweetheart… what's the secret behind that? The old man replied- “Shortly after I married her, I forgot her name and I am scared to ask.”

A boy went to his dad

Boy: “Dad, I found a girl I really like and would love to date.”
Dad: “Really? Who is she?”
Boy: “The neighbor's daughter”
Dad: “Oh, you can't date her”
Boy: “Why not Dad?”
Dad: “Don't tell anyone, she is your sister”
The boy returned after some days.
Boy: “Dad, I have found someone else. This time around, she is prettier than the first one.”
Dad: “Who is she?”
Boy: “The other neighbor's daughter”
Dad: “Oh no! You can't date her, she is also your sister”
This went on for sometime but ended with same response from his dad. So one day, the boy got angry and went to tell his mum. Boy: “Mum, dad said I cannot date any of the neighbors' daughters because they are my sisters.
Mum hugs the boy affectionately and said- “Boy, you can date whomever ever you want, don't worry, he is not your father”

A man and woman are driving on the same road. They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, “PIG!” The man yells out the window, “BITCH!”
The man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road, and dies.
Thought for The Day: If only men would listen....

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: 'I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here.'

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: 'What the hell was that all about?'

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.